first love shouldn’t hurt this much

but i thought i knew better

you know you’ve completed the “high school love life achievement” when you’ve gotten your first heartbreak.

which is what just happened to me last week. well, it’s been going on for a while now.

perhaps i should start at the beginning.

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School started the same as usual—I was anxious about my outfit, about my hair (which I’d cut short *again* this year), but most of all, I was worried about the impression I’d leave in the school.

After all, it was my senior year and I wanted to be remembered.

Stupid wish, as I’m realizing now.

Anyways, so with the new year starting arrived new students. One of whom was in most of my classes and also a teacher’s kid.

He was decent looking, I guess. With pretty blue eyes and curled blond hair. But he came in with a whole different personality that seemed to make the whole high school pause and look.

He was sporty, played football and basketball. He was artsy, and I was in his art class. He had a dog, an older brother, and both his parents were teachers. And on top of that, he seemed to be unafraid to speak his feelings and communicate freely with everyone.

Which was a shock, as the guys in our school weren’t too big on speaking to girls unless they were dating or had known each other for a while.

So unfortunately, after knowing him for a week or two, I started liking him.

I know, I know. Too fast, too soon. But I’d been so emotionally distant from everything for a year and I wanted to be loved.

He listened to me, he walked to class with me, although I think it was because at that point he’d known no one else. He seemed interesting enough.

But fate had had other plans.

My best friend started liking this boy, and from what I’d seen, he started liking her back.

It felt very cliche to me. My friend was the main character in this story and she was in the talking stage with a cute guy who’d come from god-knows-where and he liked her back.

For two nights, I cried to Fat Funny Friend by Maddie Zahm, wondering what my friend had that I didn’t have. Was it that she was thinner? That she was prettier? I mean, she was half-Italian and had the beauty they all had a claim one. Was she smarter? More girly, in a sense?

I didn’t understand. Then again, it was around that time I’d started taking dietary pills again. You know, the kind that you took after you ate so they’d burn the fat or something. I started taking double the dose, afraid that my weight would be a barrier between being loved and me.

So I went through last week feeling depressed and heartbroken, but at the same time acting like I was happy to see my friend talking to a guy, because why not.

Why shouldn’t she be happy? It’s not like I had a chance either way. I tend to be too much, too wild, too different from the rest of my peers. I stuck out in the crowd like a sore thumb.

Then last Friday, after seeing them flirt while she and I did our makeup together, it hit me.

There were 8 billion people in the world.

Why was I crying over a pretty blond boy who probably would never like me back in the first place?

So I texted some of my older friends about my situation and the support I got back was GORGEOUS.

“Wait until college—that’s when the best parts of life begin.”

“Love never usually lasts in high school. College will be better. Trust.”

“You’ll thrive in college, love. Just wait a year more.”

I’d asked my elders and I’d received answers. I didn’t realized how badly I needed this. Sure, maybe it was wimpy to allow my best friend the guy without even *trying*.

But if you’d seen the way they looked at each other, you’d understand.

So I guess what I’ve learnt is that there’s a whole world out there, beyond this tiny city, and I can’t wait to find my place in it.