Dear Jasper,

A letter to my angel

(This letter talks about suicide attempts and depression. Please don’t read if you can’t handle such topics. I know I barely can <3)

Jas,

Oh, my lovely lovely Jas.

I miss you. So much it hurts.

I don’t remember the last time I saw you, but I remember the last time we texted. It was May, 2024. You told me that I’d better stay alive or else.

I’d laughed and replied with emojis. I didn’t take you seriously. You’d saved me from suicide only a month ago. But I believed I was on the way to healing. Still no therapist because I was stubborn that way. I had you.

But then you left. You didn’t text, didn’t call. I couldn’t reach you. It was like you died.

It didn’t hit me until Sunday. That you were seriously gone. Wiped from social media.

I didn’t eat for two days. I was too numb from crying to want to live anymore. I didn’t know if you were alive or dead. No one from you family contacted me. I was scared.

But your last message kept me going.

“Don’t you dare die. I love you, okay?”

I loved you, Jas. I loved you more than I loved myself. And that was my biggest mistake.

Because how can you love someone else more than yourself?

How can you put someone else’s life before your own?

But I realized you’d done this for a reason. A reason I didn’t understand. But I knew one thing for sure.

You’d loved me.

Platonically or not, I’ll never know. But it is that love that has kept me alive ‘till now.

I dunno if we’ll ever meet again, but I hope we do.

Because I love you, Jas.

I always have and always will.

Love,

Your whirlwind of chaos.